30 years as Bereavement Volunteers

Why did you decide to start volunteering for Sobell House?

Jenny: I lost my mum when I was 17 – she had breast cancer – and it wasn’t discussed openly back then. I didn’t have anyone to talk to, and went through it on my own really. When I saw the advertisement to volunteer in the bereavement service at Sobell, I thought something like that would have really helped me when I lost my mum, so perhaps I’ll go along and see what it entails. Little did I know I’d be here 30 years later!

Yvonne: I was a practice nurse in my other life, and I really enjoyed talking to people and getting to know their families and friends. Later on my mother-in-law developed ovarian cancer and I decided I would help care for her as she didn’t want any clinical treatment. Sobell were there to advise us, but we managed to care for her for ten months in her own home. When she died I recognised that I needed to talk to somebody – I’d been so busy being a nurse and I needed someone to ask if I was OK. When the advertisement popped up, as it did for Jenny, I thought I would see if I could help.

Jenny: Another reason for me was that my daughter was severely disabled and when you’re a carer you can feel quite isolated – this role helped to give me purpose and meaning.

Yvonne: It was daunting heading into training that first day, but we plodded on with a lot of support from the group. Although it’s intense you learn a lot about yourself and it affects the rest of your life. You become much better at listening and communicating with others. We just have to make sure our friends don’t think we’re always trying to counsel them!

Is there a memory that sticks in your mind?

Jenny: I supported a man who was reluctant to receive support – his daughter had convinced him to see me – and my first visit was quite difficult. I told him that there was no pressure to continue my visits, but he did agree to meet with me again. At the end of the next visit, he dropped a significant piece of family history on me, which was something he’d never been allowed to openly discuss. Over the weeks, I got to know him very well and I knew that being able to speak freely without judgement was making a positive difference to him. We ended our visits and sometime later I got a message from him; he wanted me to know that he’d joined the Befriending Service and become a volunteer himself. That was immense for him and I was so pleased.

Yvonne: I supported a lady whose husband had a really nasty brain tumour. Sadly he died, and as all of her family were abroad, she felt very lonely. I began supporting her and, during this time, happy events occurred in her family, but this too was a part of her grieving process, because her husband wasn’t there to enjoy the happy times with her. After our sessions ended, we bumped into each other and I could see such a change in her. She said to me that the support we were able to give her really helped her through. My clients have taught me that life does continue on and there’s hope in that.

Jenny: Equally, sometimes we have to accept that people don’t want to move on and they want to sit in that grief. Everyone responds so differently when faced with loss.

What do you get back from volunteering?

Jenny: When you meet someone in the depths of despair, who didn’t want a different life but have been given a different life, and you see them come through it and say ‘I’m always going to miss them, but I’m going to be OK’; it’s very rewarding to have helped play a part in that.

Yvonne: The friendships we’ve made are really precious. All of the volunteers are in the same boat and it’s nice to be able to lean on each other for support. In fact, Jenny and I met that very first day at training!

What does it mean to have reached 30 years of voluntary service?

Yvonne: I don’t know how that happened really! It feels like we’ve blinked and arrived here in some ways.

Jenny: We’ve both taken time out for our own personal bereavements or family illness, but it does draw you back in.

Yvonne: It’s also a distraction, when things in your own life are difficult, because you’ve got to really concentrate on something else that also gives you purpose.

Why do you think other people should volunteer?

Yvonne: To take over when we retire! In all seriousness, the team is fantastic, and there are so many people out there who need that support. Many of my clients find it so helpful having someone outside of their family or close circle to speak to.

Jenny: I think it’s the most rewarding thing to do – you get so much back from it. The way that people trust you to be there for them in the worst stages of their life is incredible.

Thank you to Yvonne and Jenny for their 30 years of care and compassion.