Mike's story of life after loss

My wife Rachel

Rachel came to Sobell House in the last weeks of her life. Until then, we had been in and out of hospitals for years. She was frightened of the idea of a hospice, but when we arrived, something changed: everyone had time for us in a way where you felt listened to and supported from the start.

The first doctor we met sat with us calmly and listened as Rachel talked about how she was feeling. That became the pattern of our time there.

Rachel didn’t want to die at home. We have three children, who at the time were teenagers, and she didn’t want their memories of our bedroom to be of her dying. Sobell gave her dignity, comfort, and peace, and it gave me something too. It took away some of the enormous responsibility of looking after her and enabled me to focus on being a husband and a father rather than a carer.

Rachel died at Sobell House and it was exactly where she wanted to be.

When the grief arrived

Four months after Rachel died, I hit a wall of grief. This was more than sadness, it was a debilitating depression that arrived in January, just as the world returned to normal and I felt I should do the same.

A friend suggested bereavement counselling at Sobell, so I made the call. When I met my counsellor, the first thing she said was: “Tell me about Rachel.”

No one asks you that after someone dies. They don’t know what to say or perhaps worry it might upset you. But being invited to talk about her, who she was, how we met, how we lived, was a gift.

We talked about everything: our life together, her illness, and there were things I had never told anyone. In counselling, I was finally able to say them out loud, and to be met without judgment. Over time, the weight lifted.

I had around twenty sessions over about eighteen months. Later, when my Mum died, I returned briefly for support again. It made a difference, not because it took the pain away, but because it allowed me to express exactly what was going on for me.

One positive outcome

One positive thing that grew out of all this was a determination to make things a little easier for others. While Rachel was at Sobell, something as simple as watching TV together mattered hugely. Being able to sit quietly, without needing to talk, helped us feel close when she was exhausted. That led me to help fundraise for free TVs in hospice rooms, so no one would have to pay to watch TV at the end of their life. At the time, it cost £10 a day. Thanks to family, friends, colleagues and the students I taught at the time, we were able to fundraise what we needed to make this happen.

The seed that grew

During my counselling sessions, something took root. I began to think: “One day, when I’m ready, I think I might be able to do this.”

Years later, I trained as a counsellor. As part of that, I needed practical experience, and Sobell was the obvious place to go. I already trusted it, and knew what it stood for.

I went through their rigorous selection and training process during the pandemic, working first on the phone, then face to face. I spent several years as a bereavement support volunteer, sitting with people in their grief just as someone once sat with me in mine.

Eventually, after qualifying as a counsellor, Sobell offered me freelance work. Today, I support people who have lost partners, children, relatives, friends, or colleagues who are struggling with their grief.

What I learned as a client is what I now know as a counsellor: people don’t need to “move on.” They need to learn how to adapt and to live with what has happened.

Talking can really help. Being heard can make a difference.